I think I've become a spam addict

By Stupidman
Posted Saturday, September 4, 2004

I recently wrote an article, 5 Reasons Why You Should Post A Free Classified Ad, and have received a lot of positive feedback about the article but nobody said anything nice about the spamsters.

I tried to imagine what the Internet would be like without spam and concluded my life would be negatively impacted by it's absence.

Most of the spam I get is funny. Ridiculous claims, poor syntax and bad spelling seem to be the constants. Sometimes when I try to reply to their scheme I am told by the server that they have been shut down. These pathetic souls are promoting something that is, at least temporarily, out of business. They cite U.S. House and Senate bills that died in session as evidence they are not spamsters. I have actually been advised that unsolicited bulk email is not spam.

When I check my email and find no new messages it's a let down. I feel unpopular, unloved. If it's a slow day and all I have is a little spam, I read it. It's pretty obvious these front line spamsters have been taken in by the slick website that provides a bundle of services for a fee which includes "blasting" a pitch to millions of "opt in" email addresses. I feel better just knowing there is somebody dumber than Stupidman. They're so dumb they probably don't know they're spamming plus they paid for the privilege.

I used to save the "Nigerian" letters that arrived by snail mail. The stamps were pretty and there was some variation in the story line. Visitors that came to my office were amused by my collection and often requested copies. I received a Nigerian email a couple of weeks ago that was sent from a Yahoo! account.

What a pleasant, nostalgic experience. The poor grammar, their admission of stealing $70,000,000 from the Nigerian government (death sentence ?), offering me 30% to committ a federal crime by laundering the money. All I had to do was provide them with the information necessary to raid my bank account and steal my identity. Sure it was spam, but it was entertaining. The Yahoo! account made me suspicious that this might be a "fake" Nigerian scheme. I hope not, as I thought it was uplifting to know that the Nigerians were using the Internet to improve their economy.

I've even received some educational spam. Got a long chain letter scheme in Spanish (or Spammish as it is referred to in the Stupidman household). It became a project for my son, Greased Lightning, and me to translate. As he'll be taking Spanish II next year this was a worthwhile family project. He even enjoyed it.

I don't like receiving the porn spam. It might be okay if I was single but I'm not. I worry that I'll be accused by The Boss, Mrs. Stupidman, or the kids of being a porn addict. (It's bad enough being a spam addict.) All I can do is delete it. On the rare occasions when they offer an "unsubscribe" you have to do it at a website. That sounds like a good way to get on even more porn lists.

If you are viewing an empty mail box and missing out on the rich, cultural experiences like the Nigerian letter and Spammish email, it may not be because you are unpopular. It's probably due to your spam filters. Turn them off, have some fun and read the spam.

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